Customer Service

Sign card: Right this minute, in an office that is sort of shaped like an ellipse or something.

[A weasel in an orange wig is seated at the desk, playing on a smartphone, while next to him, a red phone rings and blinks. Enter Bill, a well-dressed and stoic assistant.]

Bill: Sir?

Weasel: Hmm?

Bill: Sir?

Weasel: What is it, Jimmy?”

Bill: Bill, sir. Sir, the phone is ringing.

Weasel: Already on the phone.

Bill: [looks over Weasel’s shoulder] You’re playing Angry Birds, sir.

Weasel: I am killing it on Angry Birds, Jimmy.

Bill: The phone, sir.

Weasel: [annoyed] Yes, Jimmy, on my phone.

Bill: The red phone, sir.

Weasel: (looking around) Where is that?

Bill: It’s the one on the desk, sir.

Weasel: Where?

Bill: The blinking red phone on the desk, sir.

Weasel: Oh the red one. I thought you said…head phone.

Bill: No, sir.

Weasel: Like one you hear in your head.

Bill: That’s not a real thing, sir.

Weasel: (Looks at phone) Who is it?

Bill: I don’t know, sir.

Weasel: Where’s the caller ID?

Bill: There’s no caller ID, sir.

Weasel: Well, why are they calling?

Bill: It’s the crisis line, sir.

Weasel: I definitely don’t want to answer that.

b You have to answer it, sir.

Weasel: You can’t make me.

Bill: Sir.

Weasel: I don’t like you, Jimmy. (fumbles with receiver) I can’t pick it up.

Bill: Is it because of your small hands, sir?

Weasel: (glares for one beat) Jimmy?

Bill: Bill, sir.

Weasel: You’re fired, Jimmy.

Bill: Thank god, sir. (exits)

Weasel: (picking up phone) Hello, this is the —

Caller One (from off): Yeah, I want to take my girlfriend off my account.

Weasel: This is the —

Caller One (from off): She keeps watching these crappy rom coms and then the site recommends other crappy rom coms.

Weasel: This is the —

Caller One (from off): I mean, I liked Love, Actually. I’m not a monster.

Weasel: This is the —

Caller One (from off): But you have to ask yourself, do you really want to be with someone who’s watched You’re So Cupid eleven times? (Kevin, a new assistant enters while this conversation goes on and waits)

Weasel: This is the —

Caller One (from off): Someone who gave five stars to Beauty and the Briefcase? What kind of person does that?

Weasel: This is the —

Caller One (from off): You’re right. I think I see what I have to do. Thanks for your help.

Weasel: This is the — (dialtone. Weasel looks around, confused.) Bill, that was weird.

Kevin: You fired Bill, sir. I’m Kevin.

Weasel: I don’t like that phone, Bill. I wish Bannon was here.

Kevin: He is here, sir.

Weasel: Where?

Kevin: That’s his hand up your ass, sir.

Weasel: (Phone rings again.) Get the phone, Bill.

Kevin: I’m not allowed to do that, sir.

Weasel: How can I put it on speaker?

Kevin: Press the button that says speaker, sir.

Weasel: I thought that was to call Paul Ryan.

Kevin: Paul Ryan’s under your desk, sir.

Paul Ryan (high, squeaky voice from off): Hi there!

Weasel: Hello, this is the —

Caller Two (from off): Hi, I wanted to report a problem with the color balance on one of your shows.

Weasel: This is the —

Caller Two (from off): I was watching reruns of this one reality show, and the guy on there looks really orange.

Weasel: This is the —

Caller Two (from off): He looks like an oompah loompah with rabies.

Weasel: This is the —

Caller Two (from off): I tried adjusting the colors on my laptop, but he’s just, he’s like the don’t picture on a spray tan bottle.

Weasel: (hangs up) Can we disconnect this thing?

Kevin: No sir.

Weasel: (petulant, rubbing eyes) But I’m sleepy.

Kevin: It’s two pm, sir.

Weasel: This is the worst job I’ve ever had.

Kevin: You’ve never actually had a job, sir.

Weasel: Bill?

Kevin: Kevin, sir.

Weasel: You’re fired, Bill.

Kevin: That is the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me, sir. (exits)

Weasel: (phone rings. Weasel cautiously picks up) Hello?

Vlad (from off, with thick Russian accent): Hello. I am wondering why Beauty and the Briefcase is no longer available.

Weasel: This is the —

Vlad (from off ): I cannot find on Amazon Prime. I cannot find on Hulu. I want to support the artists behind fine film, but if fine film is nowhere to be found, how can I support?

Weasel: Vladdie?

Vlad (from off, cautious): Yes?

Weasel: It’s me.

Vlad (from off ): Oh. Yes. I know this.

Weasel: Why are you calling, Vladdie?

Vlad (from off ): I just called…I just called… (music starts, Vladdie enters) I just called to say I love you, I just called to say how much I care, I just called to say I love you. And I mean it from the bottom of my heart

Sign: MEANWHILE, AT NETFLIX CUSTOMER SERVICE.

[Barry is on the phone, holding the receiver in a perfectly normal sized hand]

Barry: It’s fine, Ms. Prime Minister, it’s been a rough couple months for all of us. We’re doing what we can to work around it. I’m not sure things are ever getting back to normal. Call any time. (hangs up phone)

Joe: (enters) Shift’s over, Barry. (pats him on the back) Let someone else man the phones a while.

Barry: Yeah, let me just grab my coat. (phone rings. Both of them stare at it.)

Joe: I’ll put some coffee on. (exits)

END